What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:44
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
What is the best time for conception?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
In what ways is Bollywood becoming westernized?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Is BPD real or just an excuse?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Isn't it a turn on to have sex with a girl in a skirt or in a tight spandex?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I will be 64.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Would this be the day?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It was going to be , some day.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot live in the past .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)